The Tyranny of Success: How to Distinguish Your Own Desires from Imposed Ones

This scenario is more common than it seems. In an era of endless possibilities, it becomes increasingly difficult for a person to understand what they truly want. We live in a world where success is constantly displayed, measured, and compared. Social media, stories of entrepreneurs and thought leaders, career rankings — all create the impression that there is a universal script for a happy life. And many begin moving toward goals they would never have chosen on their own.

The contradiction of modern life lies in the fact that people face not a shortage of opportunities, but a shortage of connection with themselves. We have learned to quickly recognize what others want, but we increasingly fail to ask: “What do I want?”

Why We Lose Touch with Our Desires

From a psychological perspective, a person forms an understanding of themselves through interaction with others. We inevitably orient ourselves toward social norms and expectations. This helps us adapt to society, but at the same time creates the risk of replacing our own desires with someone else’s.

From childhood, we hear what a successful person should be like: get a good education, build a career, buy a home, start a family. Later, the demands of the digital age are added to this list: be productive, constantly develop, invest in yourself, travel, and demonstrate results.

The problem arises when a person stops asking: “Is this really what I want?”

Often, a desire turns out not to be an inner need, but an attempt to meet the expectations of family, a professional community, or a social environment. The aspiration to start a business may be driven not by entrepreneurial interest, but by the belief that “working for someone else” is not prestigious enough. The desire to move to another country may reflect not personal values, but the ideas of a certain social circle about what a successful life looks like.

In the mid-20th century, psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott described the phenomenon of the “false self” — a state in which a person adapts so completely to the expectations of others that they gradually lose touch with their own feelings, needs, and desires. Outwardly, such a life may appear quite prosperous and successful, but internally it is often accompanied by a sense of emptiness and a lack of genuine satisfaction.

A similar idea was developed by psychoanalyst Karen Horney, who described one of the main problems of modern individuals as the “tyranny of the shoulds.” We stop asking who we want to be and focus instead on who we should become. As a result, life turns into an endless self-improvement project, where there is always a new reason to feel insufficiently successful.

When Success Stops Making Us Happy

Intuitively, it seems that the more achievements we have, the greater our life satisfaction. However, research shows a more complex picture.

Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, authors of self-determination theory, spent decades studying what truly makes people satisfied with their lives. Their conclusion was unexpected: sustainable well-being is linked less to external attributes of success and more to the satisfaction of three basic psychological needs — autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

In other words, it is important for a person to feel that they are the author of their own decisions, capable of influencing what happens in their life, and able to build meaningful relationships. When goals are chosen primarily for the sake of status, prestige, or approval, life satisfaction tends to be lower — even if those goals are achieved.

This conclusion helps explain a phenomenon increasingly common among successful professionals: objectively, a person has achieved a great deal, but subjectively feels neither joy nor meaning. The reason may be that they pursued not their own goals, but those considered proper and admirable in their environment.

Why Comparison Has Become the Main Source of Anxiety

Comparing ourselves with others is a natural psychological mechanism. In 1954, social psychologist Leon Festinger formulated social comparison theory, according to which people evaluate their own achievements and qualities by comparing themselves with others.

For most of human history, the circle for such comparison was relatively small: family, colleagues, neighbors, friends. Today, the situation has changed radically.

Thanks to social media, we encounter hundreds of success stories every day. Someone talks about launching a business, someone posts photos from another trip, someone shares career achievements or athletic results. At the same time, we see not a person’s real life, but a carefully curated showcase of their brightest moments.

Our brain perceives this stream as an objective picture of the world and begins to conclude: everyone around us is more successful, happier, and more fulfilled.

A paradox arises. The more opportunities for inspiration we have, the greater the risk of feeling inadequate.

Recent studies confirm this trend. The more frequently a person uses social media as a tool for comparing their life with others, the lower their level of life satisfaction and the higher the likelihood of experiencing anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and decreased self-esteem.

It is especially dangerous to compare your everyday experience with someone else’s best moments. In such a system of coordinates, it is impossible to win.

How to Distinguish Your Own Desires from Imposed Ones

One of the most effective questions sounds surprisingly simple: “If no one knew about it, would I still want it?”

Imagine that a promotion would bring neither status nor recognition nor approval. Would the desire for the new position remain? If the answer is yes, it is most likely a genuine motivation. If the interest disappears sharply, it is worth considering what need you are actually trying to satisfy.

Another important criterion is energy. Imposed goals often require constant self-coercion. Personal desires, by contrast, are capable of sustaining interest even during difficult periods. This does not mean there will be no challenges, but the process itself brings a sense of meaning, not just anticipation of a future reward.

It is also important to notice the moments when you are truly engaged in a process. When you lose track of time. Observe which topics spark genuine interest. And it does not matter who or how the result will be evaluated. By analyzing your answers to these questions, you can begin to recognize your core values.

Why It Is Important to Abandon the Universal Script of Success

Modern society offers a single scale of achievement: increase income, gain more influence, obtain a prestigious position, achieve broad recognition. But if we look deeper, human well-being is far more complex.

One person may consider owning an international company a success. Another may define success as the opportunity to work four days a week and spend more time with family. For a third, it may be important to invest in scientific research or creativity and live a calm life without a constant race for results. Difficulties arise when a person evaluates themselves not by their own scale, but by someone else’s — where the criteria do not correspond to their personal values. As a result, it becomes impossible to feel satisfaction while moving toward someone else’s goal, even if society considers it prestigious.

How to Stop Constantly Comparing Yourself with Others

A person cannot completely stop comparing themselves with others, but it is possible to rethink this process.

• It is more useful to compare yourself not with others, but with your own starting point. This approach allows you to notice real progress and see changes that might otherwise go unnoticed.
• It is also important to consider context. Everyone has different starting conditions, opportunities, resources, circumstances, and life experiences. Comparisons without taking these factors into account can lead to distorted conclusions.
• We live in an information environment. Consuming certain daily content can trigger feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. In such cases, the issue is often not personal motivation, but constant exposure to unsuitable standards.

Ultimately, success is different for everyone; it cannot be measured by a single scale. Only by evaluating your own values and vision of a good future can you understand whether you are happy.

Hearing Yourself — A New Skill of the 21st Century

Perhaps the main difficulty for modern individuals is not becoming successful, but understanding by what criteria they want to evaluate their lives at all.

Society will always offer new standards: earn more, develop faster, use time more efficiently, demonstrate achievements more often. But no external benchmark can answer whether it makes your particular life meaningful.

Philosopher, psychologist, and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote that one of the most common forms of unfreedom is voluntary submission to social expectations. A person may sincerely believe their decisions are independent, without noticing how strongly they are driven by the desire for approval.

Today, the ability to hear your own desires is becoming not just a psychological skill, but a competitive advantage. In a world where everyone is fighting for our attention and trying to define what we should strive for, the ability to rely on your own values turns into a rare resource.

To hear yourself does not mean abandoning ambition or growth. It means reclaiming the right to choose the source of those ambitions.

Because true success begins not where we become better than others. It begins where we stop living by someone else’s script and finally understand what we ourselves want.

Author: Marina Chekh, psychodynamic coach.